I bought those rain boots for Caralie when she was 3 years old. At the time she was into the PBS cartoon Caillou and wanted froggie rain boots just like him. She LOVED those boots and wore them as often as I would let her (sometimes when it wasn't raining).
Putting those little boots in the bottom of the storage container just killed me. Little green boots smiling up at me ... "Remember all the fun we had? The puddles we jumped in?" Seeing them relegated to the corner of a plastic bin was too much.
I'm a mess. I admit that I'm depressed. Losing my grandmother and now the house she and my grandfather lived in for 56 years, the house I was "raised" in during the summer months of my childhood, has proven a little too much for me. While I was in Hawaii I held it together pretty well since I had a job to do and kept myself busy. Now that I'm home it's all hitting me ... hard.
Night time is the worst. Laying down in the bed, putting my head on my pillow seems to trigger my brain into thinking about all that I have lost and continue to lose. It's maddening. I hate going to bed.
Days are hard too. I can be happy. I can accomplish basic tasks. But the sadness and pain are always lurking around the corner, waiting for me to have a stray thought. I'm emotionally and physically worn out. Grieving is rough.
So, in this lonely state I am not ready to pack up my daughter's old clothes and say goodbye to another year of her life. My bedroom will continue to harbor piles of shirts and shorts and shoes until I can get a grip on myself and not tear up when I see the smaller-sized socks she used to wear.
I just need more time.
7 comments:
Call me. We can cry together. You know I don't sleep.
It is so true that sometimes life just SUCKS!! I almost cried when I read about the cute green rain boots. I swear these kids grow up waaaaaay too fast. Wasn't I just in labor the other day and now I have a toddler? What? I hope you start to feel better soon, but remember everyone is allowed some mourning time!
I 2nd that...our babies grow up too fast! It is very sad to pack away their things. And I know it must be especially difficult for you on top of everything else you've been through lately. You let those little boots sit around as long as you need to!
Thanks, guys.
Just want you to know that I love ya!!Extra prayers for you! I know how hard loss is...you mourn the rest of your life, you just find better ways to handle it in time.
I heard the dust on a bottle song the other day...o memories! I miss you! I would totally come over and eat lots of chocolate with you and cry and listen to your awesome memories!! Or ice cream! Whatever you fancy...treat yourself! And give that little girl tons of hugs and laughs...before you know it...she'll be...8!!!Time sure flies! and I'm right behind you on the 30...oh wait...we stopped having birthdays at 21!!!! You better laugh or I'll splatter one of your Spot and Jane letters from highschool on facebook!!! Yes I still have them...and yes they still make me laugh!!! Love ya!! But I also know crying is needed.
Holy crap, I'd forgotten about those letters. I was certifiable even then. Thanks for the pep talk!
I HATE packing up Bella's stuff-- it makes me soooo sad. I've given a bunch away, but there is still so much that I can't part with.. then I freak out and wonder if I took pictures of her in it-- then that leads to oh my goodness, I never did that for twins or the bigs...-- guess I had too many little ones to worry about it then. Time just goes too fast!
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