Craptastic

I have never felt like less of a "hot mom" than this morning. Of course, that is assuming one could consider me a hot mom in the first place. But moving on, I am experiencing some kind of sick that isn't really describable. I tried to explain to the hubby..."I feel sideways." Does that make sense to anyone?

So I went to bed late because I am also experiencing that wonder of all wonders: cramps. So I'm tired, bloated, crampy, need a shower, and feel very sideways. All this and I had to take my daughter to school this morning.

Now I realize I'm not really suffering all that much. I did have the stomach flu from hell back in August to keep me grounded. But I think this "time of the month" makes everything worse than it really is, so I just felt like a slug taking my kid to school. Especially since all the hot moms were out enforce.

Here a hot mom drives a Nissan Armada or similar make and model and has professional blond highlights. She never has one hair out of place and would never dream of leaving the house without full makeup. She will, however, take her cookie cutter kids to school in her jogging outfit, which consists of a tiny tanktop and short shorts - all the better to show off her lack of cellulite and stretchmarks. She is almost always married to a tall, handsome husband that makes the other mothers swoon in the parking lot (single friends look no further than your local elementary school for hot guys - just flush your morals down the toilet, cuz they're all married).

I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture.

So here I am in my fat jeans and an old frumpy polo shirt, uncombed hair in a ponytail and just barely too long bangs clipped back. I probably smell because I was hot last night and sweat in my sleep. Didn't have time to brush my teeth or even think about makeup before leaving the house. In other words, I'm a hot mess. Well, no, more like just a mess. And I'm surrounded by manicured, high-heeled, skinny jean and Chanel sunglasses wearing hot moms. WTF?

When did it become okay for moms to be so hot and fabulous? Aren't we all supposed to be frazzled and...I don't know...dumpy? What happened to "mom jeans" and spit-up encrusted shirts, not to mention the eternal messy ponytail? Why am I now expected to be a goddess who just happens to have children?

This sucks! I rebel! I refuse to be groomed before going out in public! I went through labor and delivery and earned the right to be a frump! You can't take that away from me!

So shove it, hot moms! I look like crap and my husband loves me anyway! Clearly he needs to get glasses, but that's besides the point! I will no longer be intimidated by your tidiness, perfect white teeth, and pink lip gloss!

Well, yeah, I will, but I'll pretend I'm not!



I need some chocolate.