I Didn't Sign Up for This

It is the middle of the night and I can't sleep. I am in mourning. I am grieving the passing of my daughter's early childhood.

Today I received kindergarten registration material in the mail. Reading through the schedules, the dress code, the absentee rules, etc., was depressing. A trip to Wal-mart and passing through the school supplies aisle made me wish for an IV push of Prozac.

And it's not just the school stuff. I passed by the infant and toddler clothing section and saw all these adorable little outfits that I would have loved to purchase for Caralie, but alas she is no longer a little girl. She is a little big girl. On one side of the aisle there are dresses with flowers and ladybugs and eyelet trimmed socks and on the other side there are sequined graphic tees and mini skirts. I mourn the toddler clothes! Why? Why must they stop at 5T?

Soon she won't want to hold my hand in public. Soon my opinion will no longer be important. Soon she will be influenced by other people in ways that I can't always control. Soon I will be an embarrassment. I'm not ready for this!

It's kind of like when you are having your first baby. People can tell you what it's like until they are blue in the face, but you will never get it until it actually happens to you. And here I am, ready to fall apart because my baby is growing up and going to school.

I find myself going in her room at night to watch her sleep. Her body is so little and yet so big. She still looks so sweet and innocent when her eyes are closed and her limbs are curled up in the fetal position. Weren't those limbs just jabbing me in the ribs and playing soccer with my bladder? What the heck happened?

What I must remember is that since the day she was born, whatever stage of development she was in, that became my favorite stage. I love her just as she is. And I always will.

And, no, the world is not coming to an end. This is not just an end but also a beginning. Exciting new things await her. She will learn to read and write. She will make new friends and discover new talents. She will develop and grow into something wonderful. Sassy, but wonderful.

And I will just have to learn to be content to spend a little time on the sidelines, watching instead of participating. My role is changing, evolving - with or without my permission. So I might as well get on board.

But I will still cry like a baby on the first day of kindergarten.

And also right now.

And probably tomorrow.

And, you know ... for like for the next month and a half.